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Bouncing Balls | A Treatise on Testicles

Wed, 01/27/2010 - 1:38pm -- Joey

Yester-morning I awoke to find a guest post on a blog I read regularly, The World's Strongest Librarian, and I was a mite disturbed.  The guest post was by Larry Brooks, another blogger whom I have yet to really read (but I went over to his site, and it looked pretty cool).  His post was called An Ode to Dangling Body Parts, and I thought it was unjust indeed.

The subject of the post, female breasts and male testicles (as opposed to male breasts and female testicles ... eww).  I completely support the female breasts!  I agree with everything he had to say about them, which I find isn't too uncommon among gay men.

No, what I had a problem with was how he treated the topic of testicles--balls, from here on out.  Brooks had next to nothing good to say about them.  Accused them of being ugly hairy masses that bring tears to the eye and a bad taste to the pallet.  I completely disagree--and for NON-SEXUAL reasons.

A Brief (Selective) History of Balls in Art

I'm not the only one in history to think that the male form--all parts included--is beautiful.  The Greeks were MAJOR supporters of balls!  Research shows (this link is a PDF) that everything was meticulously carved into proportions in Greek sculpture--including the size and position of the balls.

The only "injustice" the Greeks may have done to balls was make the right one bigger than the left one in many cases, which isn't the case in reality.  The Greeks also believed male sperm came from the right ball, and female sperm the left, so that could explain it.

Balls in a Beautiful Bouquet

The Greeks are at it again here, but this time it's in words.  The Greek word for balls is orchis, and if you don't recognize the cognate this word has in English, then look at the picture below for a clue!

Aren't they beautiful? I thought so too, and so did the horticulturist who named them.  Before people finally settled on calling them orchids, this exotic flower was often called "bollocks stones," "dogs stones," and other similar variations.  Bollocks, as we know, is the British English term for balls, and we've all called them "stones" at least once in our lifetimes.

Why? You ask.  Even I have thought the petals cast images in the mind of FEMALE genitalia, not male!  Well, the roots look strikingly like a set of furry balls.  I think that's the dog's bollocks!

Lord of the Balls

The last way I can show how balls are beautiful, and are praised all around us, is taking you into religion.  Oh yes, that dark and sometimes dreary subject has something to say about them--you bet--and it's not bad either.  Well, depending on how you look at it.

Have you ever folded your hands in prayer like this?  With steeple hands, not your fingers interlaced.  Do you know why we pray this way?  Historian Dr. Rex Curry thinks he has the answer!

It's a Jewish practice linked with Yarek Oaths.  Yarek Oaths are seen all over the Christian Bible, especially in Genesis.  In these oaths, the one doing the swearing puts his hand on the "inner thigh" of the person they're swearing to.  Jacob's oath to his father, Abraham, is a Yarek Oath (Gen 47:29).

Dr. Curry has found, with his research, that "inner thigh" may have been a Hebrew euphemism for balls.  They did this, because it was a way of acknowledging their circumcision--which was the symbol of the Covenant the Hebrew people made with God.

It is from these Yarek Oaths that the tradition of folding hands to pray came about.  In doing so, the Hebrews may have believed they were acknowledging God's circumcision, and his Covenant with THEM.  So just think about it, every time you pray with steepled hands, you're cupping the Lord's balls!

In Conclusion

I think I've made it clear how great balls are.  For those of you, like Brooks--and even Rhiannon--who still think their just ugly, I implore you to give them another chance.  They're everywhere, sensitive, and need to be handled with care.

Think about it; they gave you life.  I'm not saying you have to like them, but they deserve as much praise as breasts.  Balls are great.  They can be fun to play with--you should try it sometime ... whether your own set, or the set of a consenting adults' (as long as you are a consenting adult as well, haha).  You never know, you might find you actually like them!


© copyright 2007-2013 R. J. Spindle (R. Jones and J. Gagnon)

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