Eyes Look Your Last
So, I’ve epically failed at quitting smoking lately. Just thought I’d put that out there. This entry is being written because I’m ill-contented with my life as it stands (“Aren’t we all!” screams the guy in the back row). I don’t want to divulge everything, because I feel like that would be complaining and I really have nothing to complain about. The reason I’m not happy right now is plain and simple: I’m not the person I’d hope to be at this point.
Just to be clear, this has nothing to do with the goals I have for my life. This has nothing to do with writing, or becoming a best selling novelist, celebrity or any of that. None at all. I’m happy where I am and where I’d headed with my career. It’s my personal life I’m not satisfied with. Here’s a regular conversation I have with myself:
“You should go to the gym,” the Angel on my right shoulder says while I suck in my gut.
“That requires getting into gym clothes” I respond, “and you either look great or you look FAT-AS-HELL in gym clothes.”
“If you go to the gym, then you WILL look good in gym clothes,” says the Angel.
“Yes, but that doesn’t help the fact that I look FAT-AS-HELL now.”
“Besides,” says the Devil on my left, “then you’d also have to shower, and none of your gym clothes are clean. You wear them to bed you know…and they smell like it.”
“He has a point,” I say.
“You know that’s bull shit,” says the Angel.
“I know. But as soon as I go back into my room I won’t care.”
Or some other such silliness. It’s always about my weight, smoking, or being single. And in a way they are all connected. I don’t even think about not liking my job anymore, because I know I’m working towards that with my writing.
I titled this entry ‘Eyes Look Your Last,’ because that’s what I hope to do very soon. See the last glimpes of the fat, lazy, room rat. 90% of my computer time is wasted time. Writing this blog, however, is not included on that list. I want to write more blogs. I spend a lot of time on the computer just looking useless shite up. For the first time in a long time I want to trash my room…but this time not trash it in rage…just get rid of all the things that I don’t want in my life anymore. Something inside aches for me to put off that task, though. One day at a time, I know…but here’s to hoping.
Joeysan's Head | Joey | 
24 June 2009 11:38 PM
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